Introduction

When my parents announced their divorce during my late teens, I was upset but not entirely surprised. Growing up, I never saw much affection between them. After the separation, my dad quickly moved on, while my mom took about a year before dating again, both insisting they wouldn’t remarry. Fast forward six years: my mom remarried in 2023, and my dad recently proposed to his girlfriend. While I genuinely want them to be happy, accepting the finality of our family’s change is challenging. Despite being an adult, the identity of a child of divorce lingers, often making my feelings of grief feel invalid.

The Impact of Divorce on Adult Children

Divorce can affect adult children just as profoundly as it does younger ones. As Dr. Carol Hughes, a psychotherapist, points out, society often believes adults should be unaffected by their parents’ divorce, but this is a misconception. Research on the effects of divorce primarily focuses on minor children, leaving adult children of divorce (ACODs) with little understanding. The American Psychological Association notes a significant increase in “gray divorces,” those occurring among adults 50 and older, from 8.7 percent in 1990 to 36 percent in 2019.

Understanding the Emotional Toll

For parents, an empty nest can feel liberating, while their adult children face the end of their familiar world. Unlike younger children, adults often feel pressure to support their parents emotionally and financially while managing their own lives. This responsibility can be overwhelming, leading to feelings of guilt, anger, and abandonment. Adult children can articulate these emotions, whereas minor children might express them through behavioral changes.

Managing the Emotional Aftermath

Adult children of divorce often confront the “nevers,” such as never seeing their parents together again or never having a traditional family celebration. This can feel like a deeper loss since they have more shared history with their family. The destabilization of their “home base” affects both adult and minor children, but ACODs typically experience less mental health impact than minors.

Seeking Support

Therapy or support groups can be invaluable for ACODs struggling with their parents’ divorce. These avenues offer a space to validate feelings and develop emotional awareness. They also help set boundaries, especially regarding how much detail about the divorce or new relationships is shared.

Navigating Relationships and Boundaries

Acods often grapple with changes in family dynamics, including their parents’ new relationships. Establishing boundaries about what information they wish to know about their parents’ dating lives is crucial. They have the autonomy to decide when or if they want to meet new partners.

Maintaining Family Connections

Parents must manage their post-divorce relationship to reduce the burden on their children. Effective communication and a shared goal of peaceful coexistence can ease family gatherings. Adult children can set expectations with their parents about attending events, emphasizing the importance of amicable behavior.

Conclusion

Feelings of discomfort and confusion are normal for ACODs as they navigate their new family dynamics. Recognizing and setting boundaries, seeking support, and maintaining open communication can aid in adjusting to these changes. Ultimately, Seeing parents happy in their new lives can bring a sense of peace and acceptance for their adult children.