Even the calmest individuals can feel overwhelmed during a divorce. As a certified divorce coach, I’ve witnessed a range of reactions, from pouring out an ex’s expensive whiskey to sabotaging digital thermostats. These actions not only hurt others but also distract from the emotional work needed to move on.

Having gone through divorce twice, I found that focusing on productive steps helped me build a fulfilling life afterward. Here are seven concrete tips that have been most helpful to my clients in their post-divorce journeys.

Craft a Neutral Divorce Elevator Pitch

Be prepared for questions about your divorce. People may glance at your ring finger or ask about your marriage in a condescending tone. Successful clients prepare a brief, neutral “divorce elevator pitch” for casual conversations. For instance, you might say, “Joe and I aren’t together anymore, but I’m excited about a trip to Italy.” Share only what you choose while steering the conversation in a new direction. This approach helps you maintain control over your story.

Create Personal Safety Zones

Even if your ex has moved out, it’s important to designate “safety zones” in your home-personal spaces for yourself now that the marriage is ending. Select an area, whether a room or a corner, and transform it to represent your future. One client turned her basement, once filled with her ex’s sports gear, into a yoga room. I converted part of my bedroom into an office with items I knew my ex would avoid.

Avoid Digital Conflicts

I advise clients to avoid engaging in email or text wars with their ex, as these messages often escalate conflicts and prolong the legal process. Before sending a heated message, pause and apply the BIFF Response model: brief, informative, friendly, firm. If it doesn’t meet those criteria, reconsider sending it. Many clients regret sending accusatory emails soon after. Instead, express your feelings in writing, then send it to a friend or delete it.

Utilize Co-Parenting Apps

For those with children, effective communication and scheduling are necessary. Co-parenting apps like Our Family Wizard offer features for communication, calendaring, and financial tracking, making co-parenting more manageable.

Write a Gratitude Letter

Divorce can bring mixed feelings, even in cases of infidelity. A useful exercise is writing a “gratitude letter” to your ex, reflecting on the positive aspects they brought to your life. Clients often read these letters aloud to me, acknowledging contributions like support during career changes or relationships with in-laws. This practice also helps cultivate balanced attributes in future partners.

Explore New Hobbies

This is the perfect time to try activities your ex wasn’t interested in, like rock climbing or yoga. During my second divorce, I took up cross-stitching, which I found surprisingly therapeutic. Experiment with different hobbies; you may discover new passions or strengths as you embrace this chapter.

Find a Supportive Community

While supportive friends and family are invaluable, meeting others who are also navigating divorce can be beneficial. Seek out communities focused on moving forward with grace. If you find yourself in a negative environment, find a group that aligns with your values. Gathering with divorce friends to share experiences can be part of the healing process, but balance is key.

Ask for Help When Needed

Many clients struggle to ask for help. I recall a time when I was deeply upset, and my brother simply sat with me as I cried. It was all I needed. Don’t hesitate to reach out for support, whether from friends, therapy, coaching, or religious groups. Embracing the need for help is crucial.

Every small step you take is an investment in the life you want to create. By focusing your energy on moving forward, you give yourself the best chance to heal and grow.