Breakups are undeniably tough, irrespective of the circumstances. Whether anticipated or unexpected, whether you’re the one leaving or being left, they are painful. It might seem overwhelming at first, but you can and will overcome a difficult breakup. While it’s tempting to dwell on negative emotions, that will only prolong the pain.

Instead, here are some constructive, future-oriented strategies for handling the situation, as suggested by relationship experts. Although healing won’t happen overnight, changing your perspective and developing healthy habits will guide you towards recovery and moving forward.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

According to Gigi Engle, a relationship expert and author, the first step in moving on is recognizing your pain. Ignoring your sadness doesn’t eliminate it; it merely pushes it below the surface, where it might eventually resurface explosively.

Men often struggle with this because societal conditioning equates emotional expression with weakness. However, denying your feelings is even more harmful. Whether the relationship lasted three years or three months, acknowledging your need for love and the pain of losing something significant is essential to begin healing.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

Counter negative self-talk as soon as possible. Social psychologist Lauren Howe, Ph. D., advises questioning the narrative you tell yourself about the breakup. Blaming yourself entirely ignores the multiple factors that can cause a relationship to end. Changing this narrative can help you regain control and speed up your recovery.

Limit Contact with Your Ex

During the initial phase of a breakup, minimize contact with your ex by blocking or muting them on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. This helps you resist the urge to reach out and shields you from their online presence, which could trigger feelings of jealousy or bitterness.

Reflect Through Writing

Psychologist Gary Lewandowski, Ph. D., suggests writing about the breakup for 30 minutes daily. Reflect on why the relationship ended, what went wrong, and what you can learn. Focus on positive aspects such as newfound freedom and the lessons for future relationships. This cathartic writing process can enhance your calmness, confidence, and empowerment.

Seek Support

Don’t isolate yourself. Engle emphasizes the importance of acknowledging emotions as a sign of maturity. Talk to friends about your feelings for support, but avoid turning it into venting about your ex. Consider therapy if you need impartial guidance to prevent repeating past mistakes. Seeking help is a strength, not a weakness.

Avoid Reckless Behavior

Pre-pandemic, many might have turned to partying and casual encounters post-breakup, but these are temporary fixes that don’t aid healing. Engle warns against these distractions, suggesting instead to confront the hurt directly. Allow yourself to grieve the loss as you would any significant change.

Spend Time in Nature

A Rutgers study found that romantic rejection’s effects resemble cocaine withdrawal. Give yourself time to clear your mind. Engage in outdoor activities like hiking, camping, or mountain climbing. A Finnish survey shows that spending time in nature boosts emotional well-being.

Learn and Grow from the Experience

Though it might not seem apparent now, this heartache will teach you valuable lessons. When you’re ready to date again, you’ll have a clearer understanding of what you want in a relationship and a deeper self-awareness. Engle advises against viewing the relationship as a waste of time, stressing that every experience contributes to personal growth.

Embrace New Relationships Cautiously

There’s no set timeline for getting over a breakup; it’s personal. Once you’re ready to date again, avoid fixating on your ex with new partners. Lewandowski notes that finding a meaningful new relationship can help you move past a previous one, though it’s not a guaranteed solution for everyone.

Maintain Emotional Boundaries

To move on, maintain emotional distance from your ex. Psychiatrist Anne Gilbert, M. D., suggests going cold turkey unless you share children, in which case treat your ex like a cordial roommate. Establish boundaries, keep interactions brief and businesslike, and avoid emotional entanglement. With time, you may be able to revisit a friendship, but initially, set clear rules to protect your healing process.

Understanding the Situation

How can I encourage my partner to take on a more dominant role in our sexual relationship? For context, I am a transman who enjoys certain activities, and my partner is non-binary. Despite numerous discussions about how much this means to me, they struggle to embrace the dominant mindset. Their tendency to joke during intimate moments disrupts the experience for me.

This is a new dynamic for them, as they have never taken the lead in this way before our relationship. We’ve been together for over a year, but progress is slower than I hoped. I’ve been patient, sharing resources and maintaining open communication.

Challenges and Feelings

Though we’ve talked about possibly opening our relationship in the future, I am not ready for that step yet. However, I strongly desire a more fulfilling sexual experience without the anxiety of my partner’s reluctance.

I often find myself initiating intimacy, which leaves me feeling undesirable and impacts my self-esteem and dysphoria. Despite discussing this many times, little has changed.

Seeking Solutions

How can I help my partner become more comfortable with a dominant role? How do I encourage them to initiate intimacy and take my needs seriously?

I’ve communicated my desires clearly and emphasized how essential this is for my pleasure and identity. I’ve used “I feel” statements to express my feelings of being undesired and the importance of their initiation. If this hasn’t been done yet, another honest conversation might be necessary.

Embracing the Awkwardness

I understand the desire to engage without worrying about their enthusiasm. However, their anxiety might be causing hesitation and jokes during sex. They’re trying to meet my needs, even if it feels awkward initially. Embracing this awkwardness is part of the process.

Rather than scheduling a specific time, it might be better to initiate intimacy naturally during a relaxed moment. Using dominant titles or names could help establish the desired dynamic. Suggest what you’d like to be called and encourage them to do the same.

During intimacy, guiding them with specific actions might be necessary. While this isn’t ideal, it can provide them with guidance and build confidence.

Considering the Future

If your partner cannot embrace this role, they may not be suited for it. Respecting this is crucial. You’ll need to consider your options: Could you open the relationship sooner, or can you envision a future together with these needs unmet? If fulfillment in this aspect is vital for affirming your identity as a transman, you may need to reconsider the relationship. Ultimately, The decision is yours to make.

I’m a 29-year-old gay man, actively participating in the gay community through bars and LGBTQ+ sports leagues like softball and dodgeball, all in the hope of finding a boyfriend. Despite my efforts, I often feel discouraged, as none of the guys seem interested. My attraction leans towards conventionally attractive, fit men, while I identify as a bear and consider myself average-looking. Though I know some find me attractive, the feelings are rarely mutual. Should I give up on finding a boyfriend and accept a single life?

Understanding Timing and Relationships

First, Let’s acknowledge that at 29, you’re still quite young. Statistics indicate that gay men often marry later than their straight peers, with the average marriage age around 38. Factors like coming out later and societal pressures can delay early relationship experiences, but many find long-term partners in their mid to late thirties. So, don’t lose hope; you deserve love and connection.

Broadening Your Perspective

Now, let’s address the heart of the matter. You’re not alone in being a self-described “average-looking” man drawn to conventionally attractive, muscular gays. It’s understandable, given the constant media portrayal of these ideals. However, if your attraction is solely focused on this type, it might be time to expand your view to potential partners who resemble you more closely.

Physical looks are just one facet of attraction. Traits such as passion, intelligence, kindness, and humor are equally vital. Remember, as we age, our appearances naturally change, making it crucial for relationships to be built on more than just physical allure.

Giving Everyone a Chance

Consider giving a chance to those who find you attractive. Go out for drinks, attend shows, or enjoy a picnic. Be open to exploring connections with them.

Keeping an Open Heart

Though I may have been direct, let’s end on a positive note: Finding a boyfriend is a journey. Embrace new people and experiences, and you may discover the companionship you seek. Keep your heart open, and wonderful things can happen!